HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY HABITS OF
COMMUNICATING
Having a conversation is like a dance. There is back and forth, and a person needs to know when to lead and when to follow. Knowing when to do each , is key to mastering communication.
We all have unhealthy habitual ways of being in a conversation. Some of us tend to interrupt a lot or, as I say it here, interject, some of us tend to hoard the conversation (completely take over so the conversation is more like a monologue), some of us tend to skip (fly from one subject to the other without allowing for space for the other to reflect or contribute) or flood the conversation (say repeatedly the same things and all we have to say at once). Another unhealthy way of communicating is not communicating or withholding that which needs to be communicated for the conversation to move forward or towards a closure.
We also have healthy ways of being in a conversation such as the following: allowing our attention to be driven by our intention to hear what the other person has to say, re-centering (gently bringing the conversation back to the point that needs to be addressed), and leading (being aware of when the attention is on me and when it needs to be on the other person and being aware of where the attention needs to be for the matter to be resolved or heard. Another, not very commonly found among people's healthy ways of communicating, is feeding (speaking one piece of information or content at a time, so the other can hear, digest, and respond to what we are saying).
Rate yourself from 1-5 (1 being a little, 5 being a lot) how much you use the
following unhealthy ways of being in a conversation:
Skipping: Fly from one subject to the other
Flooding: Repeating ourselves or trying to say everything all at once, which often makes it more difficult for someone to understand us.
Hoarding: When one of the people does not leave the other person to talk, so it is almost like a monologue: Interjecting: Introducing new pieces of content before the current topic is complete.
Withdrawing: When you have unspoken communications, that you do need to communicate to be able to connect with a person.
Rate yourself from 1-5 (1 being a little, 5 being a lot) how much you use the following healthy ways of being in a conversation:
Leading: Knowing who has the attention in a conversation and being aware of where it needs to be for the matter to be resolved or heard.
Following: Allowing your attention to follow the content threads of a conversation.
Re-centering: Empathetically guiding a conversation back to the main topic.
Feeding: Speaking one piece if information or content at a time.
When leading the dance of a conversation we need to really be mindful and not fall into unhealthy ways of being in a conversation and really master the healthy ways of being in a conversation. To have a mindful conversation means to first, connect with self-awareness, second, listen with empathy, and last speak clearly and honestly communicating our feelings and needs without blame and without withholding. To do that, we must dance between the healthy ways of being in a conversation.
Leading the dance of conversation also requires being aware of the kind of conversation we are having. We can say that there are mainly two kinds of conversations:
• Emotional: addressing feelings and how we are with one another
• Logistical: addressing logistical challenges and practical matters
Both kinds of conversation are almost always present with one being the dominant one.
Trying to resolve a logistical difference without dealing with the underlying emotions can lead to mistrust or upset, while taking time to understand the feelings that are present, makes it easier to attend to the practical side of things.
Trying to resolve an emotional difference without addressing the practical side of things, on the other hand, runs the danger of the same issues being on the table again and again.
LOSING TRUST IN A CONVERSATION
If we are careless about who is the center of attention in a conversation, wecan be mistrusted, it can lead to lack of empathy in the other’s experience or in our own and it can lead them to using strategies that will only make things complex.
When we are flooded or we flood in a conversation the same can happen, so it is important that we communicate our lack of ability to continue to dance in the conversation.
Similarly, if we are skipping in a conversation or interjecting or hoarding the conversation again, mistrust can occur and the person may close, give up, or drift off.
Also, if we assume that a person is done expressing themselves and that we have a window to take the lead when we do not, the person might go to these same spaces. So, it is always helpful before you change the center of attention in a conversation to ask: “Is there anything else you’d like me to understand?”
WINNING TRUST IN A CONVERSATION
On the other hand, if you are present and really leading the conversation, knowing who needs to have the center of attention moment to moment, knowing when you have permission to take charge or when the other person may need to become the center of attention you can really open up a person and allow them to communicate completely and resolve any issue at hand.
Also, if you follow in the conversation and you stick to listening and any question or comment you make is following their communication vs. adding anything such that your whole presence is led by your intention to understand, then the person can really grow to trust you and connect with you.
Perhaps even more important is to communicate authentically and to continue to train ourselves in expressing and taking responsibility for our true feelings and go in the mode of blaming others for our needs and feelings.
Finally, it is important that we are present and relaxed in a conversation.
Tension breeds tension, so the act of pausing, and centering, is essential.
Conversation is a living, dynamic process.
Relax into the process and follow what’s alive in the moment.
Click below to watch some of our co-workers practice the healthy and unhealthy ways of communicating: