HOW TO EXPRESS NEEDS AND FEELINGS VS NON-
FEELINGS AND WITHOUT TRIGGERING THE EGO

When we say I feel, sometimes we use words that express our mental state instead.
The following words and phrases are often used to express feelings.
While they do refer to a certain emotional experience, we will soon discover that they also include a story or interpretation on our part and imply blame or attribute a negative intention to the other person. They are therefore very likely to elicit defensiveness or reactivity, rather than lead to understanding.

Non-Feeling words that imply blame:

Something that you can remember and that can help you be mindful of using these words is that if you are about to express how you feel and instead of simply saying “I feel…” you say “I feel like...” or “I feel that…” or “I feel as if…” you are probably expressing a thought, judgment or interpretation rather than expressing an emotion.

Below are some words that express feelings that are present when our needs are met or aren’t met.

Expressing our feelings versus instilling guilt facilitates greater understanding, acceptance, and true connection between people. (This list of emotions is taken from mindfulforlife website.)

Words that express difficult emotions:
EXPRESSING FEELING MAD Impatient, irritated, disgruntled, frustrated, edgy, irked, grouchy, agitated, exasperated, disgusted, Cantankerous, animosity, bitter, rancorous, irate, furious, angry, hostile, enraged.

EXPRESSING FEELING SAD Lonely, troubled, helpless, gloomy, overwhelmed, distant, discouraged, distressed, dismayed, disheartened, despairing, sorrowful, unhappy, depressed, blue, miserable, melancholy.

EXPRESSING FEELING SCARED Afraid, nervous, startled, anxious, worried, lonely, insecure, anguished, sensitive, shocked, apprehensive, jealous, terrified, horrified, desperate, suspicious, frightened.

EXPRESSING FEELING TIRED Exhausted, fatigued, lethargic, indifferent, weary, overwhelmed, fidgety, helpless, sleepy, disinterested, reluctant, bored, dull, listless, blah, mopey, heavy.

EXPRESSING FEELING CONFUSED Frustrated, perplexed, hesitant, troubled, uncomfortable, withdrawn, apathetic, embarrassed, hurt, hurting, uneasy, suspicious, puzzled, unsteady, restless, sceptical, detached, chagrined.

Words that express pleasant emotions:
EXPRESSING FEELING PEACEFUL Tranquil, calm, content, absorbed, expansive, serene, loving, blissful, satisfied, relaxed, relieved, quiet, carefree, composed, fulfilled.

EXPRESSING FEELING LOVING Warm, affectionate, tender, appreciative, friendly, sensitive, compassionate, grateful, nurtured, trusting, open, thankful, radiant, adoring, passionate.

EXPRESSING FEELING GLAD Happy, excited, hopeful, joyful, satisfied, delighted, encouraged, grateful, confident, inspired, touched, proud, exhilarated, ecstatic, optimistic.

EXPRESSING FEELING PLAYFUL Energetic, invigorated, zestful, refreshed, impish, alive, lively, exuberant, giddy, adventurous, mischievous, jubilant, goofy, buoyant, electrified.

EXPRESSING FEELING INTERESTED Involved, inquisitive, intense, enriched, alert, aroused, astonished, concerned, curious, eager, enthusiastic, fascinated, intrigued, surprised, helpful.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
UNIVERSAL HUMAN NEEDS

To train ourselves to communicate mindfully we must first shift the unhealthy belief that our feelings are someone else’s fault, that they are due to some external event, situation, or thing.

Feelings are always a function of our needs. When our needs are met, we tend to experience pleasant emotions. When our needs are not met, we tend to experience unpleasant emotions.

So, after we are mindful of our state of being and after we are empathetic towards the other’s needs so that they have room to hear us out then we take responsibility for OUR feelings by expressing OUR need that is responsible FOR OUR FEELINGS.

For that we use the structure below:
I feel… because I need / want / value …
or if we want to understand the other person’s feelings we can ask:
Do you feel… because you need / want / value...

It is important that before we express our feelings and needs, we hear the other person out first so that they can HEAR our communication.

It is also important that after we express our feelings and needs in the format above, we do not say anything else. We do NOT elaborate, we do NOT justify them, we say NOTHING ELSE.

We let it sink in and we wait for their communication.