DEVELOPING OUR CAPACITY TO PAUSE/
DISCOVERING THE MOTIVATION BEHIND OUR SPEAKING

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom”
-Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

TRAINING OURSELVES TO PAUSE

When we stop and become present, we can see that there is always a motivation behind our speaking. If we succeed in pausing, we can create the space to notice our motivation. That alone can transform how we communicate and what we end up being motivated by in our communication and in effect in our relationships and further in the entirety of our lives. In the beginning it is hard to pause and look at where we are coming from, so we must train ourselves to do so. So, in the beginning we just must practice pausing every time before we speak. It is obviously very hard to do this all day long, but you can pick a conversation or two a day to practice just this.

BEING AWARE OF OUR VIEW/ CULTIVATING OUR INTENTION

How we see things informs how we relate to them. We always have a point of view and an intention that causes us to communicate. Both expressing our view and pushing on our intention may interfere with mindful communication.
Mindful Communication requires an examination of that intention and a fundamental shift in our context regarding the experience of different views, conflict, and a shift in our habitual response towards other human beings and perhaps towards all of life.

When our point of view is unexamined that can lead to:
• Having a different point of view being a problem
• Conflict (win/loose, agree/disagree, right/wrong, bad/good)
• Inability to listen or value others.

When our point of view is examined and known as a point of view that can lead to:
• Different views occurring as a natural phenomenon.
• Conflict resolution (win/win and a ground for growth)
• Leaving others feeling valued and that they matter

Our subconscious intentions often are:
• to blame/ guilt trip,
• to make wrong,
• to protect or defend and or
• to coerce/ manipulate.

Our created intentions can be to:
• Pause and acknowledge our hidden motivations (what we want out of the conversation)
• Be aware of the belief that is behind our speaking (what we believe about the situation or person)
• Identify others’ as well as our needs and when we can to meet them (why we want what we want)
• Look for the true feelings in our and in another’s communication and expressing our needs responsibly by expressing our true feelings.
• Be empathetic, understand the other.

The single most powerful and transformative ingredient in dialogue is the
intention to understand. – Marshal Rosenberg

EMPATHY

Definition: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Having empathy is an essential asset of a person committed to mastering the art of communicating powerfully. Empathy can bring resolution and healing. It is much easier for another to listen to anything we have to say, even if it is an unpleasant communication if they feel they have been heard and understood first. Empathy requires genuine interest, care, presence, and recreation. What we mean by recreation is really listening to someone without adding, subtracting or changing the meaning of what someone is communicating. It means to really let in something as it is said, without projecting anything on it.
Empathy can lead to Resilience.

Empathic connection with another person (of any age) can be empowering and a significant source of support and often especially in adolescent years lifesaving.
• Being empathetic with one another is proven to regulate the nervous system of both parties.
• Our need to be seen, understood, or to matter are often met when we receive empathy.
• Our need for contribution, meaning, or mattering are often met when we give empathy.
• This experience of understanding and intended connection strengthens love and resilience in both.
• With mindfulness and intend for empathy our trust in ourselves for effortless communication and connection grows giving us confidence and resilience in life.
• In mindfully practicing Empathy one WILL learn to put boundaries since the burn out from only giving empathy and not receiving it will become obvious. Which in turn, leads to better choices and ways of dealing with difficult relationships.

For us to develop empathy towards others, it is important to develop self awareness and empathy towards ourselves. Without self-awareness true empathy is only a good idea. We must first understand our strategies, our needs, our hidden motivations, and beliefs.


AUTOMATIC NON-EMPATHETIC CONNECTIONS

Rate yourself from 1-5 on how much you use these responses:
1. Judging (criticizing/ blaming)
2. Ordering/ Commanding
3. Labeling
4. Warning/ Threatening
5. Preaching (‘Should’/ ‘Ought’)
6. Lecturing/ Teaching/ Logical Arguments (using facts, arguments, logic, information, or opinions)
7. Interpreting/ Diagnosing (Why the other is doing or saying something)
8. Distracting/ Humoring (moving away from the problem)
9. Suggesting/ Solving/ Advising
10. Questioning
11. Praising/ Agreeing
12. Reassuring/ sympathizing

These responses in certain situations may be useful, but not when what is needed is empathy and never when used automatically or unconsciously. Our main relational needs are to be seen, heard, and to matter in good and in bad times.

OBSTACLES TO EMPATHY

Rate yourself from 1-5 on these obstacles being present in your communications:
1. Unmet physical needs
2. Being stressed or rushing
3. Being attached to a certain outcome
4. Difficult Emotions (anger, pain, fear)
5. Needing Empathy
6. Judgments
7. Failing to see the other person’s humanity.
8. Fear of the other taking our space
9. Being confused about empathy vs. giving in to another person’s wishes

To practice empathy as we said, we need to increase our self-awareness.
Without being aware of our automatic reactions and obstacles to empathy it is very difficult to be able to offer it in emotionally charged situations. Empathy even though more innately present in some than in others, can be practiced.
The more we practice empathy, the better we become at it. When we practice empathy, it is important to check and see with another if we really got what they are dealing with and if they feel seen, or heard, and understood.

There are different forms of empathy we can offer:
a. Being empathetic present, really acknowledging others being
b. Being empathetic understanding, being there and in communication until we really get another’s world.
c. Empathetically reflecting another’s feelings and needs and verbally expressing it.
d. Empathetically acting towards supporting another’s needs.

Even though empathy can take many forms, all of them begin with really intending to truly listen and understand another and for that to happen, we need to let go of our wants, ideas, and agendas.